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It's been three months since Michael died. When The Beautiful One returned from her last visit with him and his devoted life partner Jody, she knew much more intimately the . . . [Read More]

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Unruly Rants

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There was this piece of me—a young, vulnerable, desperate piece of me—who begged for someone to finally just tell me who the hell I was supposed to be, or do, or what my life was supposed to be about. Every time life intensified, waves of hysteria would swell from deep within me, the fear that I’d get it wrong… that I couldn’t trust myself to know what was true for me. I felt terrified that, without external guidance, my life would be wasted.

But then I started to explore what one of my early teachers called “the spirituality of the self”. I studied the way I reacted to the world around me, the way I allowed certain relationships, circumstances, and experiences to affect me. I learned I was powerful, far more powerful than I’d ever imagined, and that I could change reality by changing the way I was showing up in the world. In time, I released what no longer served me and made space for my truth to become my life. The artist, the lover, the priestess, the mother, the healer, the dancer, the writer . . . one discovery at a time, I hosted a reunion of the pieces of my soul.

This transformation was possible because of the supports I cultivated for myself along the way.  My blog is an extension of my journals. I use it to share the lessons I’ve learned, powerful resources, and inspiring stories of my clients’ transformations. Dig in and find the information and inspiration you need today and keep coming back when you need another dose! If you can’t find what you’re looking for, email me your question and I’ll see what I can find for you.

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April 7, 2014

Lesson Four: Integrity Check Your Yes

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The list of things that are willing to serve as your distraction flows on and on and on. Choose wisely.

I doubt it was ever hard to be the kind of woman who does too much, even back in the day (whenever that was), but it’s easy to be one today. I am surrounded by them, both personally and professionally. And I’m (once again) coming to terms with the fact that I have been overextending myself in a way that has done harm to me, people I love, and my business.

Some of us have old, untended heartbreaks echoing through the well-intentioned hallways of our current lives, and those vibrations drive us to try to do too much. We are trying (so, so hard) to be good or loved or useful or whatever enough. We say yes to all manner of invitations that we don’t have the resources (energy, money, skills, or interest) to accept.

We scramble around like desperate animals whose lives are being threatened, trying to be fabulous enough to ensure that we will be cared for by our people, the world, and/or God. We strive to justify our existence, attempting to make ourselves invaluable enough that our needs and desires will be met.

We are trying to cultivate security with our yes.

It doesn’t actually work that way.

This drive is not petty; this isn’t just about being seen as awesome. No, this is a primal experience. We are being driven by the old wounds, the parts of ourselves that are in charge of our survival.

This isn’t sexy, but it is the reality of that exhausted woman reflected back at me after yet another night of not enough sleep, facing yet another day where it would take a series of unlikely miracles to keep tomorrow from starting the exact same way.

This isn’t working. These old survival techniques served us well in childhood, but we are no longer children trying to get through whatever haunted us at home or school or wherever else the world felt like a scary place. We are grown. We are in charge of our lives and these old tools have become a burden. We no longer need to do these things to be okay, but we keep doing it by default. These are old habits being driven by old fear.

Sometimes we say yes when it’s not true for us. This is a matter of integrity. When we say yes to more than we can do, or for that matter to things we simply don’t want to do, we sacrifice ourselves. We sacrifice our health and our sanity and our joy. When we compromise our integrity, we cultivate results that are untrue for us.

We have to stop. We can’t sustain this imbalance. We can’t cultivate truth through the fog of our old coping mechanisms.

Let us release the commitments that we’ve made that are untrue for us. And, beginning right now, every time someone asks us to do something, let us pause and check in.

Is this true for me? Do I truly have the resources to bring this commitment into my life?

Most importantly, let us ensure that the desire to say yes is coming from a place of love instead of a wound.

This isn’t an exercise in letting people down. It’s about picking yourself up. It’s about rationing the yes so there’s enough space for YOU in your life. If you integrity check every single yes before you give it, you’ll be free of what no longer serves you. You’ll be able to say yes to more of that which brings love and joy and passion and abundance and health into your life.

How is your yes? Do you give more of them than you have available? What happens to your life when you say yes to something you don’t have the time or energy or money to do? How does it make you feel when you’re committed to something you simply don’t want to do?

Talk to me, Wild One, we’ve got much to dig into here.

Johnny Grim via Flickr
As always, if you need support, I’m here.