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I Love You and Thank You

It's been three months since Michael died. When The Beautiful One returned from her last visit with him and his devoted life partner Jody, she knew much more intimately the . . . [Read More]

Unruly Books: Is Home Your Happy Place? (June)

We are going to read my book Is Home Your Happy Place? together. I know, I know. How exciting might it be to read a book about clutter? Well, it's not . . . [Read More]

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Unruly Rants

journal

There was this piece of me—a young, vulnerable, desperate piece of me—who begged for someone to finally just tell me who the hell I was supposed to be, or do, or what my life was supposed to be about. Every time life intensified, waves of hysteria would swell from deep within me, the fear that I’d get it wrong… that I couldn’t trust myself to know what was true for me. I felt terrified that, without external guidance, my life would be wasted.

But then I started to explore what one of my early teachers called “the spirituality of the self”. I studied the way I reacted to the world around me, the way I allowed certain relationships, circumstances, and experiences to affect me. I learned I was powerful, far more powerful than I’d ever imagined, and that I could change reality by changing the way I was showing up in the world. In time, I released what no longer served me and made space for my truth to become my life. The artist, the lover, the priestess, the mother, the healer, the dancer, the writer . . . one discovery at a time, I hosted a reunion of the pieces of my soul.

This transformation was possible because of the supports I cultivated for myself along the way.  My blog is an extension of my journals. I use it to share the lessons I’ve learned, powerful resources, and inspiring stories of my clients’ transformations. Dig in and find the information and inspiration you need today and keep coming back when you need another dose! If you can’t find what you’re looking for, email me your question and I’ll see what I can find for you.

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July 30, 2014

Dig Deep Enough To Find Your Desire

Tetanus Art: Dance
Tetanus Art: Dance

Since my separation/divorce, I’ve been disconnected from what was once a pretty solid relationship with my dance, my writing, and my time in my studio creating art. I wanted to do these things—activities that used to be the most sacred pieces of my daily life. I can’t claim that I was doing every one of them every day, but I was doing some combination of them on most days. Before everything imploded.

I simply couldn’t figure out what the hell happened. Until last night. When my (insert yet unidentified perfect title for the magical woman I’ve been spending most of my time with for the last almost two months) lowered a BOOM on me. (Swoon.)

She asked why I wasn’t doing these things, and what needed to happen for me to get back to them. I’d spoken freely about how much these things meant to me. Yet, she saw me not doing them most days. She wondered if there was anything she could do to support me.

We talked through it. And, as we did, I realized I had used my dance, writing, and art to escape. I had used them to retreat into my inner world because my outer world (including my marriage) no longer felt true for me. But I also used these things not just to hide, but also to process and to heal. I used these things to help me stay rooted in my truth when it felt that, in other parts of my life, I was slipping away.

But I don’t need to hide anymore. I feel absolutely free to be me—my whole self—at any hour of every day. (Much of that is still unfolding, but I have cultivated the space and relationships and courage to move in that direction.) There is still much to process and heal, but I’m processing and healing with my people, instead of doing it in secret with myself.

I realized last night that I need a new relationship with my dance and my writing and my art. (The art I already found. Co-creation in the studio rocks and produces inspiring results. Go see the new stuff at Bold and Earthy Goods: Tetanus Art – Minneapolis!) The low-hanging fruit of my heartbreak has been picked. Now, I need to climb a little higher on the ladder to find a more aligned inspiration.

Wait. That’s not quite it.

My dance is a ladder. My art is a ladder. And my writing is also a ladder. Each one is a rung on the larger ladder that guides me back to my wholeness, to the place where my head and my heart are working together, to a place where I am living as my true self.

I did so much of “the work” in the old ways that it’s no longer a useful motivation for me. It’s time for me to dig deeper, to find a new relationship with those sacred acts.

It’s time, as I’ve always said to you, to release what no longer serves me, to make space for what’s new. Instead of dancing to escape, I must dance (and write and create art) my way to what’s next. Instead of writing about what I was going through, it’s time for me to write about this phase in my ongoing journey of self-discovery. Instead of retreating to my studio to hide, it’s time for me to bravely go there instead to create what my new way of being inspires.

What about you? Do you still feel called to that which reminds you of who you are? If you find yourself disconnected from the truth of who are, can you dig deeper and find the new way to get there?

As always, if you need support, I’m here.