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Unruly Rants

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There was this piece of me—a young, vulnerable, desperate piece of me—who begged for someone to finally just tell me who the hell I was supposed to be, or do, or what my life was supposed to be about. Every time life intensified, waves of hysteria would swell from deep within me, the fear that I’d get it wrong… that I couldn’t trust myself to know what was true for me. I felt terrified that, without external guidance, my life would be wasted.

But then I started to explore what one of my early teachers called “the spirituality of the self”. I studied the way I reacted to the world around me, the way I allowed certain relationships, circumstances, and experiences to affect me. I learned I was powerful, far more powerful than I’d ever imagined, and that I could change reality by changing the way I was showing up in the world. In time, I released what no longer served me and made space for my truth to become my life. The artist, the lover, the priestess, the mother, the healer, the dancer, the writer . . . one discovery at a time, I hosted a reunion of the pieces of my soul.

This transformation was possible because of the supports I cultivated for myself along the way.  My blog is an extension of my journals. I use it to share the lessons I’ve learned, powerful resources, and inspiring stories of my clients’ transformations. Dig in and find the information and inspiration you need today and keep coming back when you need another dose! If you can’t find what you’re looking for, email me your question and I’ll see what I can find for you.

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October 16, 2014

The Heart of Clean Slate: Releasing Clothes (Part 2)

Me... loving THIS body.
Me... loving THIS body.

Letting go of my fat clothes was hard.

I felt afraid.

What if I gained back what I lost? What if I failed? What if I couldn’t keep the promise that I made to myself?

O.M.G.  SERIOUSLY?! Was I actually willing to be afraid that I was so out of alignment that I’d allow myself to sit (as in be idle) and eat (read: overeat) my way to nakedness? Hell no! I decided that I am no longer that woman.

In one visit to the closet, I released every single thing that was too big for me. Since that day, I’ve released everything else that became too big as I make my way back to my true body.

Releasing the dreamy Skinny Christy Myth took far more work. No . . . courage. No . . . healing. Yes, it took far more healing. It took three years of trips to that closet to let go of all of the clothes that belonged to the thin woman I once was.

Have I released the idea that I will once again be that size? Absolutely not. But I’ve released the one I used to be. I’ve released the idea that who I am today is somehow unworthy of being embraced, celebrated, accepted . . . loved by me and those around me.

I realized that I am on my way to something new with this body. I’m loving it more than ever before. I’m dancing and walking and actually USING this body in ways that I never dared use it before. I’m eating in a way that honors this body. The calories burned and taken in (plus whatever other factors are at play at this exact moment in my personal evolution) cultivated this ever-changing, bass-loving, curvy, strong 3-D awesomeness and I’m no longer willing to will my body to be anything but what it is.

This letting go took time. I went into that closet again and again searching for that which no longer served me. The first layer was all that I wouldn’t wear even if I was that size. Yes, much to my surprise, I owned and was storing clothes that were too worn or didn’t work for me because of the shape or color or style.

The next time I went searching, I found others that survived the first cut but suddenly seemed like they were taking up space. The next time, having lost a little more weight, I starting trying on everything. If it wasn’t something that I thought I could reasonably get into in the next season or so, I let it go.

This release session was quite intense for me. I had to slide my “favorite” jeans just past my knees, be with the reality of that being as far as they would go, and then choose to accept that it would take an act of congress to get me back into them.

I made the choice to let go.

I did this, in part, with the realization that if I was ever that size again, I’d have the most amazing time buying myself a new pair of favorite tiny jeans.

During that session, I saved back one paper box of clothes that I truly loved and would want to have when I got back to that size. I moved them to Minnesota last summer. This summer, I integrated into my closet what finally fit and I released the rest.

Every single thing in my closet fits my body . . . the body I love and have a beautiful relationship with TODAY.

Clean Slate: Moving from Chaos to Clarity begins on October 27th. Register here: theunrulywoman.com/cleanslate.

As always, if you need support, I’m here.