This article is all up in my business right now. I mean, sure, let's push back on the gratitude wave that ALWAYS rises this time of year. Ingratitude lists! You know you can count on me for this act of rebellion but guess what uncomfortable invitation is rolling around in my head tonight.
Who would I be without this gratitude?
I've typed and deleted the following sentence half a dozen times.
I'm not even sure I could hold the weight of my pain without the life preserver of gratitude.
That is so damn dramatic. I can't stand it. Also it feels true to share it here. My pain. Those words are uncomfortable for me. I want to delete, erase, replace. I want to FIX it. I want to fix me.
This pain. If this pain was a human child it would be starting high school soon and I still do not want to claim it. Nearly two years have passed since the fibromyalgia diagnosis and I'm still genuinely surprised to remember that it may be with me for the rest of my days.
Honestly, the pain isn't unbearable on any given day but the idea of it staying for the rest of my life is just so damn much to bear.
And this brings to mind all of the heavy truths that clients shared with me lately--the weight of pain, sleepless nights, old wounds rising to the surface, the loss of loved ones to death or addiction or abusive relationships, fear, rejection, unsupportive partners, loneliness, the damned truth of not having enough money or time or energy or brain power to sustain the lives we are trying to live.
It's a lot, don't you think? The truth of what's hard for us? It's easy to push it away. Sometimes we have to choose that to get through the day. I guess what I'm hearing is that it's okay if we need to use tools like gratitude or optimism or distraction to get through what's at hand but let's all remember that ignoring what hurts is not helping. It's not a longterm solution.
Remember to make some space to feel the truth. Admit it to yourself first and then to others when you can bear it. (If you can't bear the vulnerability, you can always say it anonymously here.) If you need support with this, I am here.
